


Darling, just hold on!

by JohnDoe221B



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Grieving, Hurt/Comfort, Jay's letter to Louis, M/M, Not too much, RIP Jay, Sad, larry stylinson - Freeform, memento mori - kinda, tissues not needed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 22:33:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,726
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8818765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnDoe221B/pseuds/JohnDoe221B
Summary: “I think I did a great job! You are the last one, sorry by the way for that, and now I can finally take a deep breath and cross that off my list. I did as I was told and I’m feeling good about it. Read the letter, or don’t. Keep it or throw it away. Shove it behind something and forget about it until you move. I don’t care. And Louis, she didn’t either. Don’t feel obligated to read this because these are her last words to you. She told me that there is nothing in there that she hasn’t told you a million times before in person. She just wanted you to have something to hold onto. Something that kept repeating her thoughts and feelings for you.” or Or a little fic in memory of Johannah.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you at my lovely Beta [pinky_heaven19](https://archiveofourown.org/users/pinky_heaven19/)
> 
> I'm so glad that I have you!

“Knock knock. Can I come in?” Louis looked up and saw Niall standing in the doorframe. Even the Irish man seemed smaller than usual. Louis tried his best to fake a smile. Though he didn’t know why he even bothered, no one was expecting anything from him today, so he could as well just have grunted or nodded his head slightly, but that wouldn’t feel right. He didn’t want to feel sorry for himself and he certainly didn’t want others to feel bad for him.

“Sure, I was about to come downstairs anyways, I just wanted to-“

He looked down at the frame in his hand. What was he doing? Staring at his mother’s photo? That was it. He wasn’t even crying anymore at this point.  All he wanted was to be close to her in some way.

“You could get lost in her eyes, innit?” Niall broke the silence again, softly sitting down next to Louis. He was right, his mum had the most amazing and brightest eyes. Even at the hardest times, she found the energy to smile for her kids, always telling them how proud she was and that, no matter what, she would always be there for them.

Louis hummed quietly, not feeling like talking anymore. Being aware of how cliché it was, he kept thinking that there were no words that would do her justice at this moment. Maybe in a few days. God, maybe even later tonight, but right now he couldn’t find the right words.

Niall took a deep breath and held out a white envelope. Louis stared at it in disbelieve. He immediately recognised his mother’s handwriting. _Louis_. Just that. Only his name in his mother’s handwriting.

“Don’t think you are special. We all got one.” Niall joked, putting down the letter and standing up again. He slowly walked towards the door, but turned around before leaving.

“She gave them to me, when I visited her a few weeks ago. She said that she thought I might be the only one who wouldn’t turn this into a big movie group sobbing. And yo be honest-” He smiled honestly, which Louis appreciated so much.

“I think I did a great job! You are the last one, sorry by the way for that, and now I can finally take a deep breath and cross that off my list. I did as I was told and I’m feeling good about it. Read the letter, or don’t. Keep it or throw it away. Shove it behind something and forget about it until you move. I don’t care. And Louis, she didn’t either. Don’t feel obligated to read this because these are her _last words to you_. She told me that there is nothing in there that she hasn’t told you a million times before in person. She just wanted you to have something to hold onto. Something that kept repeating her thoughts and feelings for you.”

Closing his eyes, Louis grabbed the letter. He mumbled a small thank you, but when he opened his eyes Niall was already gone. He slowly let his index finger hover over his own name.  He really didn’t feel like reading it right now. Crying is not a bad thing, he knew that, but Louis was tired of it. He had cried so much in the last 6 months. He was exhausted.

At the hospital his mom kept telling them, that it is fine to cry and grieve, but she insisted that all of them kept having fun. It was just the way she was, her whole life. Louis admired that about her so much and he definitely took her advice and lived by it. No matter what went wrong in his own life, he tried to keep a positive attitude, not caring about what others thought.

He fondled with the paper between his fingers but eventually put it down and walked downstairs. He was greeted by two bright green eyes and two strong arms around his waist.

“There he is, the lost husband. 

“Not married,” he murmured.

“Just a small technicality. We will change that soon,” Harry gave him a soft kiss to the forehead.  Louis let himself sink into Harry’s embrace. It felt good to let someone else take the weight.

“Did you read it?” Harry whispered into his ear. He shook his head slightly.

  
“Later, with you.” He felt Harry tensing up, almost hating himself for putting that much pain on him, but he knew he couldn’t do it alone. Reading the words his mother had written down was something he needed to do. He was sure. She wanted them to have something from her and it must have been extremely difficult for her to do it, and it would be even as difficult for him to read them. So a little selfishness on his side had to be excused, he reasoned.

“Sure. We can do this.” Harry only said and both men let go of each other to join the rest of their families. After the memorial ceremony they all met up at Louis and Harry’s house. Having a little get together to remember a beautiful, loving, kind and just all in all great person.

Louis just watched everyone telling stories about Jay. Laughter filled the room and he kept thinking that it felt strange. The atmosphere had changed. He was very well aware of the fact that this is just how these things work. _You grieve, you talk, you cry and eventually you move on. There will be days and times in which something reminds you of a lost one and you spent the day in sorrow, but that’s how it is. That’s how it should be. Life is a moving thing. And sometimes you have to leave something behind in order to make progress_.

Louis had heard it all. All the tips and all the wisdom of people with more experience, and still all this sounded like bullshit to him. He didn’t want to move on. Not without such a big piece missing. In theory it was so much easier. And he tried his best for a while, still going out to party, having fun with friends and doing things he enjoyed. But it always left a sour taste at the back of his throat. He felt guilty. So damn guilty.

“I think it is time to hit the sheets, boys.” Gemma, god bless her, was the first one to get up. Everyone followed quickly, saying their goodbyes, hugging Louis and Harry tightly before leaving them alone.

Louis watched Harry cleaning their kitchen. It broke his heart to see his partner like this. On every other night Harry would have sprung into Louis’s arms right after the door closed. Today though, he was more reserved, almost careful around Louis.

“Haz, leave that. We can do it tomorrow. Or for fucks sake, let the cleaning lady do it. We are paying her good money for it.” Harry laughed and let the dishrag fall into the sink.  “You are right.”

“So, off to bed?”

“Yes! I just want to close my eyes.” Harry grabbed his hand and tacked him upstairs. The letter was still lying on the same spot. Louis was surprised that it hadn’t burned its way through the fabric. He felt Harry’s hand slip from his, but he couldn’t move, debating back and forth rather he should read it or not. His stomach twisted. Why was this so hard? Niall basically already told him what his mother had written.

“You don’t have to Lou, this is your decision.” Finally he felt his partner’s strong arms again. He didn’t want to be strong today. He needed someone like Harry to guide him. He let all his weight sink into the hug, knowing Harry would catch him. And he did. He swept Louis from his feet, taking all weight of it and carried him to the bed.

“Do you want to get changed or just strip down to you undies?”

“Undies.” He answered softly, doubting that he had any energy left to get changed. All he wanted was to feel Harry close to him. His wish was granted not a minute later. Harry lay down next to him, the letter from his mom in his hand. Louis didn’t even know when he took it from the mattress. Harry let his fingers linger over Louis’ name, just like he'd done hours ago.

“Can you read it to me, please?” His voice was weak. Louis wanted to hear the words spoken out loud. This way it might not hurt as much, he argued. If he read the letter himself, he would always have his mother’s voice in his head.

“Sure, if you really want that?” Louis only nodded. He didn’t look at Harry, but he could hear the paper moving as Harry opened the envelope and got the letter out. He took at deep breath when he heard Harry clear his throat.

**_“Dear Darling,  
_ **

**_This is not a goodbye letter._ **

**_This is just a reminder that no matter where I’m I always will be there for you. I don’t know if there is such a thing as heaven, but no matter where I go I will find a way to keep my eyes on all of you._ **

**_When I was just 18 years old, you came into my life and made it so much more exciting. In a good and sometimes bad way. I was so young and you taught me to grow up. To take responsibility. I always will be grateful for that._ **

**_The two of us made it through some rough times. You have always been beside me, even when you were miles away._ **

**_You know how proud I’m of you. And you know I will continue being proud of everything you do.  I don’t need to tell you these things, but I want to._ **

**_You have been my little sunshine. Always the loud, funny ball of energy that loved to entertain people.  You made me smile when I wanted to be angry. You held me tight when I cried and you made me feel special, which actually should have been my job. You took that from me with ease._ **

**_Thank you, Louis! I love you. Please stay happy and make others happy. You are amazing!_ **

**_Darling, just hold on._ **

**_In Love, Mum”_ **

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [ Don't be shy and say Hello on Tumblr! ](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/greenmeetsblue221b/)


End file.
